:: The Dreaded Whitey – From the INSIDE!          Print

In my years smoking marijuana, I have been called a variety of things. The nickname that hurt most however was that of “Whiteyboy”. I was called this because of my extraordinary ability to turn a deathly shade of white and empty my guts at the merest hint of a joint. I, therefore, am the most qualified of all the Bongatiers to give you a description of a whitey, FROM THE INSIDE!

To the best of my (hazy) recollection, there are 4 stages involved in whiteying. These are as follows:

1 - Just General Happy Smoking ness.
Pretty self explanatory, you’re sitting there, you’re having a smoke, you may be giggling, you may be eating, no problems have yet presented themselves.

 

2 - The slow decent
Your sitting there, your still happy, but things isn't quite right, if you have whiteyed before, you will start to spot the warning signs about now. You may start evasive action, shifting around, drinking water, looking at the fire etc.

 

3 - Getting worse
Your evasive action has failed; it now takes enormous effort to do anything at all. You have to stop looking around, as you are getting motion sickness. You stare at some light force for ages and ages, slowly closing your eyes (slow enough to avoid motion sickness). People will probably notice you about now and start taking the piss, waving food under your nose and the like. You try to block them out, as the notorious cold sweet seeps out of your skin, and you turn white as a ghost.

 

4 - The EXPLOSION
Pretty self explanatory, your insides are suddenly out, and pizza is covering the patio.

 

A note of caution about phase 2: evasive manoeuvres can sometimes backfire spectacularly. For example if you are in a kitchen and someone says

"Do you want a slice of pizza?"

And you think to yourself

"I feel rough, but pizza does sound fantastic"

You could well have some patio pizza painting action going on.

Trust me on this.

After you have thrown up, you will feel a lot better, very quickly. I cannot stress enough, however, the need for a cooling off period after an incident such as this. Even the sight of a joint used to make me heave after a particularly violent whitey.

I must stress that this is only a personal account, and one based upon hazy memories, so I can’t claim it’s entirely accurate. Plus, other people have different experiences, and can actually pull themselves away from the brink. I sadly do not have this ability.

How to cope with a friend whiteying.

I have now taken the liberty of offering some do’s and don’ts of how to act when confronted with someone you know whiteying.

DO

Leave them alone.

Offer them coats to keep them warm.

Don’t

Laugh at them (very important)

Take photos of them/

Pat them on the back, you may think you are being nice, but it makes them feel worse.

If they have their eyes closed, and look like they are sleeping, leave them alone. DO NOT FEEL TEMPTED TO PLAY HUMAN BUCKAROO!!!

If you follow these simple instructions, you can make sure your friend’s whitey is as pleasant as possible.

© The Piggin Empire 2005 – www.pigginempire.co.uk